The Myth of "Getting Closure" (And What You Could to Do Instead)

By Solomon E. Stretch, LPC, MAC

Have you ever found yourself waiting for that one conversation? That perfect apology? That moment when everything finally clicks and you can say, "Okay, now I have closure"?

If so, you’ve probably been frustrated. That’s because the closure we often search for—the kind delivered by another person—is usually a myth.

What Closure Actually Is (And What It Isn’t)

Let’s get one thing straight: Closure is not an event.

It’s not a dramatic apology, a final explanation, or some magical moment where everything suddenly “makes sense.”

Instead, closure is an internal process. It’s when you do three things for yourself:

• Accept that something has genuinely ended.

• Integrate the loss into the story of your life.

• Release your dependence on external validation to move forward.

Or, in the simplest, most powerful terms: Closure is when your nervous system stops waiting for something that isn’t coming.

Why We Crave the External Answers

When we go through major life transitions—like a bad breakup, losing a job, or dealing with death—our brain goes into overdrive. It desperately craves certainty, meaning, fairness, and emotional completion.

We have this powerful, compelling thought: “If I just understand why, I’ll feel better.”

While this desire is totally understandable, it's often inaccurate.

The Practical Reality: Why External Closure Fails

1. You can't get what they don't have.

The people who may have hurt you often don’t understand themselves, or they actively avoid discomfort, responsibility, or the truth. If you're waiting for clarity from them, you are prolonging your own suffering. (And, of course, death removes the possibility of an explanation entirely.)

2. Explanations don't heal the body.

Even when you do get an explanation, it doesn't undo the loss, erase the pain, or restore what was taken. Understanding why rarely changes how it actually feels. The brain confuses information with resolution, but remember: the mind seeks answers, but the body seeks safety.

How to Find Achievable, Internal Closure

Closure happens when your body accepts the ending—not when your mind solves the puzzle. Since most endings lack clean conclusions, here is the practical path forward:

1. Embrace Unanswered Questions.

The biggest shift is starting here: “I may never fully understand—and I can still move forward.” This isn't giving up; it’s emotional maturity.

2. Seek Internal Completion.

If you couldn't get a clean ending, you can create your own through reflection, writing, therapy, or personal rituals. This means:

• Saying what you needed to say (even if only to yourself).

• Feeling the emotions that you suppressed.

• Acknowledging what was truly lost.

• Letting the story end without trying to rewrite it.

  
  

3. Reclaim Your Agency.

Closure isn't about what happened in the past; it’s about what happens next. When you stop organizing your current life around getting answers or validation from the past, you instantly regain forward momentum.

4. Let Meaning Emerge Over Time.

Don't pressure yourself to find the "meaning" of a loss right away. Meaning is not immediate—it unfolds as your life expands again, often becoming clearer after healing has begun, not before.

Final Thought: Still Need It?

Here’s a powerful reframe to hold onto:

“Closure isn’t something you get. It’s something you stop needing.”

When the need for an external answer fades, true peace follows.

However, be careful. The search for "closure" can become harmful when it turns into rumination, repeated contact attempts, self-blame, delayed grieving, or emotional paralysis. At that point, it’s not healing—it’s avoidance.

You don't need closure to move forward—you just need permission. Give yourself that permission today.