Learning What My Love Looks Like

By Solomon E. Stretch, LPC, SAP, MAC, ICAADC, CAADC

For a long time, I thought love was something to earn, manage, or preserve—like a fragile asset that could be lost if handled incorrectly. What I’ve learned instead is this: love is not conditional, but it is boundaried. Love doesn’t disappear when boundaries appear. Love actually becomes clearer, safer, and more sustainable when boundaries exist.

Love is not one-size-fits-all. It shows up differently depending on the space, the relationship, and the capacity of the people involved. Learning what my love looks like has meant understanding the different ways love moves—and giving myself permission to let it evolve.

Platonic Love: Presence Without Possession

Platonic love is love without expectation of ownership. It’s rooted in respect, safety, and mutual recognition. Platonic love says, “I see you, and I don’t need anything from you to keep seeing you.” It shows up as consistency, honesty, and emotional safety. There’s no performance here—just presence. This kind of love teaches us that closeness doesn’t require entanglement.

Friendship Love: Chosen and Reciprocal

Friendship love is intentional. It’s the love that says, “I choose you, and you choose me.” This love thrives on shared values, mutual effort, and emotional reciprocity. Friendship love grows through laughter, conflict repair, and time. It’s flexible but not limitless. Healthy friendship love honors boundaries because it understands that people grow—and good friendships grow with them.

Familial Love: Rooted, Not Required to Harm

Familial love is often the most complicated because it’s inherited, not chosen. It’s rooted in history, identity, and survival. But love being rooted doesn’t mean it gets to be harmful. Familial love doesn’t require self-betrayal. Boundaries in family systems are not rejection; they are clarification. Sometimes love shows up as proximity. Sometimes it shows up as distance. Both can be loving.

Intimate Love: Revealing With Responsibility

Intimate love is where emotional, physical, and psychological closeness intersect. This love requires care, accountability, and ongoing communication. Intimate love isn’t about possession or control—it’s about partnership. It says, “I want to grow with you, not over you.” Boundaries here protect desire, trust, and individuality. Without boundaries, intimacy collapses under pressure. With them, it deepens.

Love Is Not Conditional—It’s Boundaried

Conditional love says, “I’ll love you if you stay the same, meet my needs, or behave correctly.”

Boundaried love says, “I love you, and I also honor myself.”

Boundaries don’t shrink love. They refine it. They tell us where love can safely flow and where it cannot. Boundaries turn love from chaos into clarity.

Love Grows. Love Magnifies. Love Evolves.

Love is not static. It grows as we grow. It magnifies when we understand ourselves better. It evolves as our needs, values, and capacities change. Learning what my love looks like has been less about defining others and more about defining me—what I can give, what I can receive, and what I no longer need to tolerate.

Love isn’t something I maintain through fear or sacrifice.

Love is something I embody—with intention, with boundaries, and with room to grow.